losing sleep

It’s one-thirty in the morning.  Okay, two minutes ’til.  Yeah, I am not a fan of lying.  *chuckle*  I cannot sleep, but I am getting tired.  I pray after this post I can go to bed.

I am strong most days.  I am able to ignore the desperate fact that I dearly want to be a mom.  I can be patient and thoughtful and know: G-d has a plan.  I can trust that He has me right where He wants me right now.  I am free from heartache and longing.  I am free from wanting kids and trust His plan.  I am truly content.  Most days.

Yesterday was not one of those days.  I was hysterical for half of it.  I was so emotional.  I mean, emotional beyond reason.  That, even only twelve hours later I can question: was I possessed?  Hmmm.  I think I was!  ha

The long and short of it comes with a diagnosis two years ago from my OB-GYN who suggested my husband and I seek non-traditional ways to have a family, if it were him.  I didn’t like his suggestion.  So, I got a second opinion.  And, a third.  And, a fourth.  It was like flipping coins.  They all seemed split.  It’s because of a heart condition I have, which is weird because I really am healthy.  My tests were great and blood pressure healthy.  I rocked my results… but pregnancy is a crazy thing.  You never know how your body will react.  My husband and I didn’t want to keep up the coin toss.  We agreed we liked the conservative approach: keep me alive.  (LOL, yes, conservative and “duh”).

Since then, it’s been a rough two years.  We went through a grieving process the first few months.  I hadn’t lost anything other than hope.  A family was still in the cards, but it was on hold.  It turned out to be a good thing, too, as my husband went back to school for his MBA.  I didn’t want to be at home with a newborn and feel like a single mother.  I didn’t want to be overwhelmed.  Wanting a child has been something close to my heart, but nothing we could act on.  I never wished ill-will on an expectant friend or family member, I brought new mothers dinners in my church, and I was content on where G-d had us.  We are right where He wanted us.

Then yesterday happened.  And, I was a hot mess.  My sister told me yesterday that G-d has three answers for us: yes, no, and grow.  I don’t remember asking Him a question, but here we are: He’s making me grow.  I don’t want to grow!  Yes, I’m a child who is content living how we’re living.  The norm.  Status quo.  I don’t know what to call it, but I thought I was content.  However, the Lord is working on my heart.  My poor little heart.

Before my husband and I sought medical advice, we talked adoption.  Maybe, we would adopt, if that’s what the Lord called us to do.  It might not be for us, but we would see.  When we accepted our news on “the baby situation.” ironically, adoption didn’t enter our thoughts.  We’d do surrogacy, of course.  (Not realizing the cost of that option at the time!)  Months passed though, and adopt entered our minds.  Adopt was less expensive than surrogacy, so we could pursue it sooner.

At the time, I thought: let’s adopt a little blonde haired child.  I wanted our potential child to look like us and feel comfortable being ours and fitting in.  I wasn’t being racist; I was protecting our future child.  As time passed, I thought: maybe we should adopt from China.  A sweet, little Chinese baby girl- yes, I was open to that.  Then, in the last week, I have thought: we don’t have to adopt a baby.  What if we are called to adopt a two year old?  Or, a preschooler?  Yes, we’re open to an older child.  Then yesterday, my heart was stretched more: maybe we should foster a child.  Foster to adopt.

I admit: the thought scares me.  That’s likely why my thoughts are stirring tonight.  The thought excited me over dinner but terrifies and overwhelms me now.  My fear of commitment is freaking. me. out.  Not that i fear commitment, but I fear making the wrong decision.  But, is loving a child and giving them an open, safe, and loving home a wrong decision?  I wonder: when did I come to this place?  When did the sweet infant I imagined become a six-to-sixteen year old?  The Lord stretches us.

I told my husband last night: maybe, that’s why I am hysterical.  Maybe the urgency for us to take in a child is not years away but months.  Maybe, the Lord is pressing and breaking my heart to get us to move and start the process.  We are called to love and serve Him- what if He’s preparing us more quickly than we expected?

So, I am tired.  It’s funny how the thought of having kids could be years away breaks my heart.  But, the thought of it being only months away starts to freak me out.  We don’t always get a say in how He answers prayers, right?  I believe His way is better than mine.  I believe His timing is perfect.  I believe the Lord of all loves me and wants good things for me.  It’s likely the fear of the unknown and the accelerated timetable that seems to possess my thoughts tonight.  The how-did-we-get-here mind coma somehow keeps me awake.  I need to remind myself that G-d is in control, and we’re not adopting tonight.  I think you need to at least fill out an application before they bring you a child, lol.  Besides, my cell phone’s on silent.  *smile*

Tonight is preparing me for parenthood anyhow, right?  Sleepless nights, doubts, and questions.  I guess I can find solace knowing I don’t have to be perfect.  I don’t have to have all the answers.  I don’t need to be the best.  I need to love, try, and pray.  And, as I think now…  I need sleep.  Hope we can all get more of it soon.

Good night, and thanks for reading, love, L

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