It hit me yesterday when talking to a friend. I felt like she was attacking me. She was. I felt like our conversation had taken a wrong turn. It did. I wanted to dissipate the tension. So, I did. It was a petty, stupid disagreement, and I decided to just be honest: I am scarred. I had the same spat with the friendship that ended back in March. I said yesterday, “I am just so scarred” from the previous friendship, and it’s true.
I have big heart. Nothing abnormal, *chuckle* but I give, love, and bless others so quickly and wholeheartedly. I am always surprised when people say they’ve only loved once in their life, maybe twice. I have fallen in love many times. I have extended my heart in love or my hand in friendship. My heart is always open. And, I really regret it. I mean, yes, I have gotten hurt deeply and cried a lot. A lot, a lot, sometimes. I use to say I had no regrets because the choices in life had made me who I am today- and I like that person. I remember thinking “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” was so poetic. And, when I watched it one night in early 2008, I thought, “Why would anyone want to un-remember someone or something or some time?” I know now.
For as many friends and boyfriends as I have had, only two have scarred me. The first one was a man I met by the end of that 2008. We met through that popular harmonious dating site. Even two states away, and a computer between us, we had amazing chemistry. It’s so rare to click with someone like I did, but I was immediately smitten with M. He was handsome, charming, and just so (in my mind) perfect for me. He adored me, too, and wanted me to get to know his family before he had the chance to come meet me in Colorado. I met and befriended his sister-in-law quickly. I was elated to be falling in love and find a great fit with a second family.
Yet, not a month later, his ex-wife came calling back. She wanted a second chance… or was it a fifth? Or ninth? He felt he should. I knew the nobleness in reconciliation- I tried reconciling with my ex over a year earlier. It broke my heart, but we said goodbye. It was one of the most painful break-ups. It hurt my heart more than my divorce (which, well, says a lot since I hadn’t actually met him yet!). I trusted the Lord had someone better despite what my (deceitful) heart believed.
Forty days later, my phone rang. It was M. I was thrilled. I should have listened to my family and friends, who strongly advised I back away. I didn’t. I was a girl who thought she was in love. M didn’t want to wait to meet me this time. Nothing would get in the way. Not even his ex, who honorably cheated on him numerous times in the last few weeks (so much for reconciliation, ha). He bought me a plane ticket to fly to Phoenix the next weekend. We were thrilled. We couldn’t wait. We talked and talked and were eager to meet. Then, the night before my flight, he broke my heart again. He hooked up with his ex. Yep.
I will fast forward to me changing my beloved cell phone number (after his ex started harassing me… yes, true story, she got the man, and I got the harassment. His family told me later they called it quits again soon later. Too bad, I think they deserved each other- don’t you???) And, I was heartsick again. I still went to Phoenix, and I actually had a great time and went to see The Nutcracker with two of my girlfriends and the girls of one of them.
For awhile after that entire encounter, I couldn’t understand: why was M brought into my life? How could something so beautiful end up so tainted? How could he, a professed man of G-d, be such a …. I am a believer in the cliche: everything happens for a reason. So then, what purpose did that have? For months, and even years later, I had abandonment issues and bad dreams. The wound he left was so deep, I wondered if it’d ever heal (it now has *whew!*). What did I gain from such a loss?
The trinket I found after sifting through such trash is maybe it wasn’t he that was suppose to come into my life, but, maybe, I was suppose to come into his life. Maybe he was the one who was suppose to learn something or gain wisdom and understanding. Maybe it’s his life that needed to be changed, not mine. And, I am okay with that. Que sera sera- whatever will be will be.
Although, the greatest thing I took away was an appreciation for the man I fell in love with after M- Mr. Bauer. My husband strives to be a man of integrity, and, after dating someone who lacked it, I appreciate it more than I ever would before. The irony of M is that he had a hesitation with me upon learning I had cheated on my first husband. Yet, Joseph has always trusted me and always had full confidence in me. He knows what I went through to change from the woman I was to be the woman he married. I appreciate him, and he appreciates me. I learned quickly how to truly love someone and be love and respected back.
Needless to say, I realized years ago: I’d “eternal sunshine” M right out of my mind. Of course, we know how that goes in the movie, but I had my first regret. First true regret that I couldn’t make amends for. Maybe that’s what I regret- I didn’t need to atone to anyone else, only myself. I am stronger now that I am past M. I feel bad for the life he chose and pray he’s found happiness.
So… one scar down… One to go…. More soon.
Happy Wednesday, love, L