I have been MIA. Unintentionally. I guess I have been drained. Maybe, I have been dreading it. Likely, it is that my head swims with ideas, thoughts, phrases, and sentences that I don’t know where to start or don’t know how to sort it out.
Today, though, I am packing up our house. We are moving. Although, I don’t know when and don’t yet know where, but it is coming. Six months or twelve months, that is what is likely. I married knowing we could move a lot. Yet, I fight with G-d. I want to put down roots. I don’t want to sell our house. I love our house. I want to keep it in the hopes of moving back and gaining equity while we are away. Whether we rent it or not, I want to keep it. I am being foolish, though, and I think the Lord is leading us to sell. As much as I fight, He knows best. Right?
I just sorted through the baby room. Yes, we don’t have kids yet, but we have the “baby” room. Description purposes, I guess. We did plan on that being the room we’d settle our children into someday. I have a graduation Barbie from the 90’s sitting in a box. I gently unwrap her to put her in a box of our childhood books and toys we hope to reuse for our kid(s). There’s a mint condition Barbie version of Romeo and Juliet an ex-boyfriend gave me in 1998. Why do I keep it? Why do I keep it in the box? I think a little girl will love it, though, so I unpack it, too. If we have a little girl, she can play with the beautiful dolls. If I don’t have daughters, my niece will, hopefully, adore it some day. They go in the big box.
There’s a box of frames and knick knacks from my childhood room. Oh, I loved those. Oh, those are almost twenty years old. How can that be?! LOL I debate on keeping them or getting rid of them. My husband supports the former, but I can’t think of a time I will use them in the future. They are reformed to the latter; they go. I am a big believer in charity and donating things. My grandfather lived through The Great Depression, so I know hoarding is engrained into me at a deep level. I fight it though. There is a home waiting for my knick knacks. Besides, I am not a fan of dusting. I ignore it until i hear whispers of “coup.”
As I type this blog, the hall closet stares at me, wide open and unorganized. Okay, it’s actually organized and sparse compared to the average closet owner, I am sure. It still mocks and beckons me at the same time. I am closing a chapter in my life. I am tearing up when I write that. I didn’t realize I was such a sentimental type. I want so much to hold on to this house, but G-d tells me to let it go. And, I am blessed, I think. I have months before we pack it all up and go! I guess I miss the life we wanted to have here. We wanted this to be the house our kids grew up in. We wanted to grow in our relationships with neighbors. We wanted to grow old in this house and expand onto it someday. Our neighborhood is filled with older couples, and I wanted us to be one of them someday.
There must be something better, though. There always is. If this door is closing, then I need to stop trying to yank it open. Unknowns breed anxiety. Maybe that is my problem? I don’t think I am anxious, but I do crave stability. I didn’t use to be this way, and my husband and I laugh. Think that’s why we need to move? I cannot lose my spontaneity to a house.
I sigh as this post comes to an end, and I thank you, dear reader, for not losing hope in reading it. Ramblings from my deep heart. A home is so much more than what I cling to right now. May I find the excitement of something new and nothing holding us back. Great things come when we “let go, and let G-d.” He is good, and He will lead the way. I think I’m ready to finishing sorting, purging, and packing my bags now.
Happy Wednesday. Love, L