I know I still need to finish my “scarred” series, but I am not ready. I know once I write the last chapter, it is done. I will have said my peace, packed up, and said “finito.” But that day is not today. I want to wrestle up those last thoughts and issues and lay them down. I crave exhaustion and the ability to bow over my work. (Dramatic, yes, but the thought still dances in my mind.)
I did hear about D a few times in the last week- the benefit of running in the same circles, yet still two states apart? She is pregnant again, but she has had many complications.
Did I mention before she bragged to me that she is super fertile? Yeah, according to her, she “can get pregnant any time I want.” Not words you want to say to a “friend” whose doctor advised her to err on the side of caution in wanting to get pregnant. I love my sister who retorts, “That’s not something to brag about- it’s not like she has any control over it!” (My sister, who has gotten pregnant with two children immediately twice). I replay her comments in my head today. What a snotty person she is! And, let’s see… Before January, she had been pregnant six times but only has three kids. Fifty-fifty odds aren’t good. Now on her seventh pregnancy, she has been hospitalized and put on bed rest on and off.
I want to say something snotty to her or backhanded. But, I hear how her husband needs to get a second job to pay the bills or that they are selling as much as possible just to keep a float (which is totally bizarre because I know how much he makes). Oh, yeah, her power was turned off last year. And their water. Oh, and they couldn’t afford gas making nearly twice as much as the national household average. Wow. Their lives are in chaos. How sad for her children to live in a home where their mom is unstable, their dad cheats, and the utilities are randomly cut off. They have farm animals that keep dying on their land. All of their dozens of animals have died. That is traumatic. Seriously. Your mother miscarries twice in one year and blames one of them on you and your siblings? Yeah, seriously wicked.
I think of how many times D said something, and I brushed it off. Or, I was drowning in her incessant talking, that I was swept away in daydreaming. As I get out, I want to shake my head and go on the attack, but isn’t she already suffering enough? You reap what you sow, though. She pushed me away when I wanted to help. She has pushed her husband into the arms and beds of numerous women. She has pushed security, but for what? So that she could sow seeds of chaos? I realize I don’t need to hurt her- she’s far better at it right now anyhow, hurting herself. I am glad I am out. Stepped away from chaos and living a blessed life. How much pain can someone bring on herself before she wants to stop?
So sad. So, I pray she finds peace, put the seeds away, and step out of chaos into clarity for a life and heart the Lord truly wishes she had.